Funniest Peer Review EVAR

A coworker of mine altered this review below to put my name in. I've included the original here, which I believe can be attributed to Bob Hart here in Utah. Works at HP or somesuch. Hi Bob. You made me laugh, whoever you are.

I have been asked to recommend a colleague of mine, Laura. I assume that she asked me because I am one of the very few that still speaks to her. Over the last 18 months, I have watched Laura systematically alienate herself from supervisors, peers, and customers. She has done so through a series of poor judgments, vengeful acts, and harsh, harsh words.

Laura is a ticking time bomb ready and willing to ignite at a moment’s notice. During any situation when I am in a room with her, I constantly check my watch as the second hand painfully slows to a crawl. She has been set off on a number of occasions, sometimes without provocation of any kind. She rants, she raves, and she throws things. The glazed look in her eyes is only surpassed by her stinging use of profanity. She has an extensive, sailor-like mastery of four-letter words. To be frank, Laura is a taco or two short of the full combo.

Laura is constantly scheming and plotting against others for her own benefit. I’ve never known anyone so bent on revenge against the world. She is willing and able to do anything for the sole purpose of embarrassing others, and doubly willing if she benefits. On numerous occasions I’ve seen Laura hit absolute rock bottom in moral judgments, just to somehow pull out a new shovel and continue digging even lower. If I had to describe Laura in one word, I would choose “cannibal.” And I would whisper it so she didn’t hear.

The desk she has been assigned is by far the messiest I’ve ever seen. There has been an unsavory stench developing since February in her file drawer. At first, we made an office pool where everyone bet whether the source of the pungent odor was animal, vegetable, or mineral. We recently revised the bet to “dead, illegal, or both.” Deep down, I pray we never find out.

After all this, I implore you to accept Laura for whatever role you are considering her for. For your own safety and for the safety of others, please do whatever she says. Frankly, I’m fearful of what she might do to me if she does not get her way. You should be too.

Robot Apocalypse Watch, Volume 18

So. What do humans taste like to robots?

Like bacon.

You can hardly blame them for wanting to destroy us now, can you? That goop that Neo was sleeping in before he was freed from the Matrix? Yeah, that was some sort of marinade.

Not that I've ever seen the need to marinade bacon, but hey, why not try it? Life is short.

Especially now that the robots have tasted us.

The Next Great Epic Series

I had the great fortune of reading Brandon Sanderson's The Way of Kings before its official release. I've had my copy for a little less than two months now, and it looks like it's been hit by a car. Or two. At least that's how it looked the last time I got a glimpse of it.

See, it's gone through many pairs of hands already. It's currently being devoured by its seventh set of eyeballs. And everyone who has read it so far has concurred that it's amazing, even calling it Sanderson's best so far. Another friend said it makes him dismiss any dream of being a writer, because the bar is now set too high. (Thanks a LOT, Mr. Sanderson.) (No, really, thank you. He probably would've made a terrible writer, and I would have to read his stuff and critique it.)

I'm not really a fantasy geek. I've read very little fantasy outside of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But Brandon Sanderson sucks me in -- I love the universes we explore, the characters we meet, the twists that broadside me when I least expect them. (After reading Mistborn, I was afraid to pick up anything else he'd written, for fear it would disappoint. Nonetheless, I read Elantris next, and loved it.)

The Way of Kings is no different. There are so many moments that I loved -- from disasters to triumphs, from profanity-worthy shocks to a few creepy scares. The last still give me the shivers when I think about them.

If literature is food, then most of what I read is dessert - "Mm, yummy" -- whereas The Way of Kings is an exquisite seven-course meal. It kept delivering, page after page. The biggest downside, and I mean this sincerely, is that I now have to wait for the next book. WRITE FASTER, BRANDON.

But there's something exciting about being there at the birth of something great. I was too young to remember the release of Star Wars, but I do recall the delighted anticipation as its sequels approached. Having read The Way of Kings, I can say with certainty that it is the next great fiction series -- and not just for fantasy-lovers. Though you may well be a fantasy-lover when you finish reading it.

As for me, I need to buy a new copy, because my other copy is thrashed.

"Parallelogram Bus" by my 7 year-old daughter

Parallelogram Bus

Ther wus a parallelogram bus that one day came to life! I don't know haw it came to life. I only know it did. It cared pople hie and loe. It eavin cared me!

It wus a very nise bus uvcors. But one day sumtheing hapint to the bus. I don't know wut hapind to the bus. But I do cianduve know what hapind to the bus.

It ol stardid win it wus night. Sum kid's had a bucit of water. And they wre up to mistgif. Naw the only way I know it hapind is becus sumone told me. The kid's saw the bus sleeping. And they pord the bucit of water on the bus. I don't know wut hapind to the bus. The kid's dinint  mean to hurt the bus. They just got kared uway.

The only thing that bothered me was the apostrophes in "kids".  Don't worry, she's grounded.

I should also add that she sure seems to know a lot about what happened to the bus, despite thrice affirming she did not.

Carefully Dividing My Brain in Half

I can't do my day job effectively when I'm daydreaming about my dream job. I need to find a way to separate these personalities - the happy worker and the dreamy artist - and keep them hidden from each other.

At work, I need to be focused on performing well, getting the job done, seeing myself in the same company five years from now.

Then, secretly, at home, I need to be focused on achieving my dream job. Focused and WORKING. Not escaping with movies or video games, but working in a different direction.

They are working in different directions - so unless I can hide them from one another, both will feel fruitless. This means, first and foremost, no checking Twitter during the day. Don't need anything breaking the spell that I'm a hard working, nose to the grindstone, shoulder to the wheel, upwardly mobile software engineer.

No taking notes on ideas. That's the punishment for dwelling on them.

And maybe at work I'll wear a tie.

Anything With Your Name On It

I have a new rule I just invented: everything that I publish or create must have a link back to me.

I think everybody should have this rule. If you write a comic book, insist that they put your Twitter link in the credits. If you design a website, demand that they put a link at the bottom naming you, and with your blog's address. If you play an instrument for an album, make sure your homepage is in the liner notes.

It's a simple enough concession for others to make. It doesn't need to be huge, it just needs to be there. In fact, I may start putting it in the comments of code I write, so future developers can see WHO COMMITTED THIS ATROCITY?!

I don't update this blog much anymore, and it's not where I plan to keep my blog in the future, but I do think I'll have my Twitter account for a long time. That will be my link. I'll probably be aggressive enough to ask for "Follow RandyTayler on Twitter" as the full link. So for a website, it could be "Designed by Randy Tayler, whom you can follow on Twitter."

Is it egotistical? Conceited? Self-serving? Maybe, perhaps, and absolutely. But everything you do, creatively or otherwise, is making a name for yourself. This just helps make your name faster. Perhaps one in a thousand people will go to the trouble of visiting that link. But why throw away a chance to get your name out to one more person? Maybe your creation will be seen by 100,000 people. Give 100 more folks a chance to learn your name, and who you are.

Nobody Doesn't Like Sara Lee, Marie Callender, and Mrs. Smith('s)

I tried to find images of the women behind most of America's desserts today; it took some work.

For Sara Lee, I tracked down this first:
That gave me her full name. So then I just search for images:
And there she was, second row.

Marie Callender was easier.
Bam. Right there on the page.

Mrs. Smith's website didn't have a photo of their namesake, but I got her first name:
Then I just googled that name, and voilá, the piemaker herself.

Well, okay. I'm not sure WHICH Amanda Smith was the ACTUAL "Mrs. Smith," but I hazarded a guess.*

sara lee, marie callender, amanda smith

* "chose the cutest"